Gregor Kitzis - Violinist

Creative Miscellanea

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Demotivation CD for hiking in the Grand Canyon	Ideas for a CD for a hiker in the Grand Canyon to listen to when things aren’t going well. Those 4 pieces of music would play in the background in that order while the following de-affirmations loop in a tired and resigned voice… Penderecki Canticum Canticorum Threnody on the Victims of Hiroshima Ruggles Sun Treader Webern at the end as he hallucinates and loses his mind then succumbs to the heat Not enough water Hotter than I thought Longer than I thought This sunblock may work back east at the beach but not here Bad knees Blisters on my feet Meant to fart and crapped my pants (it’s wet…should I???) Now it’s drying and scratching my thighs Maybe I’ll jerk off and try to drink that – dick’s too limp I’ll never have sex again My life was a waste and a failure and I didn’t really even have that much fun Dizzy, getting dizzier So much glare I can’t see Tripped and fell again, scraped my knee, knee bleeding! Can I drink my blood?! Drying too fast – nothing but dried scabs Is that a person?!!! I’m saved! Nope it’s a tree. Nope it’s a rock. I’m not in good enough shape. Just rest for a little while Maybe a nap Are these dreams? Delusions? I feel so light-headed and suddenly free…
directions to my former apartment	From 42nd and 7th Ave take the 2,3 or Q subway trains. From 42nd and 6th Ave take the B train. 2,3 downtown about 25 minutes to Grand Army Plaza (7th stop in Brooklyn). NORTH!!!! Exit. Walk straight up the stairs to street. Keep walking in the same direction 1 block to corner of Plaza East and Vanderbilt Ave. Turn left on Vanderbilt, walk one block to corner of Vanderbilt and Sterling. I’m diagonally across the street. Walk a very short distance to a black iron gate, buzz apt 3C. Enter, walk to the door and buzz 3C again. Enter the building. Walk straight to the elevator. Push the button with the arrow pointing up. AFTER THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN, walk into the elevator. Push the button for 3. The elevator doors will close. You will feel a sudden movement and feel yourself rising. Do not panic. The doors will open and you will not be in the same place that you were when they closed. Do not panic. You are not in Hell. Walk out through where the doors were before they magically reappear and slice you in half. Turn right and walk toward the rancid stench. About when your eyes start burning you’ll be standing in front of my door. Curl up in fetal position and start sobbing. Turn around and go home. We don’t take kindly to outsiders ‘round these parts. No sir, we don’t. Q,B train (I mean, why would you even bother at this point?) downtown to 7th Ave (3rd stop in Brooklyn). Exit at PARK PLACE, NOT FLATBUSH When you get to the street, turn 180 degrees, walk a few feet, bear left to Flatbush Ave. Left on Flatbush, walk one block to Sterling. Left on Sterling. Walk one block, cross Vanderbilt, black iron gate on your left, see above or just start sobbing and leave.
eHarmony Profile	This is the profile I ended up with when I was a member of eHarmony. I had been on the site for a few months and wanted to quit but they kept sending me matches but saying I had to pay up or I'd never get to read about or contact the dream come true they had found just for me. Eventually I completely changed my profile in an attempt to stop the matches from coming, but their "29-steps of compatibility" screening process yielded even more matches to the new profile than the old. Now, THOSE girls I'd like to meet! I hope you get a good laugh out of it. Enjoy, -Gregor
Letter from US Dept. of Transportation	This is an incredibly scary letter I got informing me of a very serious violation I had committed, the fines and jail time I was facing, the seriousness of the matter, etc., then letting me off THIS time with just a warning. I was getting on a plane and they help up the flight for half an hour because I had a lighter in my suitcase. A lighter. It wasn't even carry-on. I had checked the bag. Lunacy.
Happy Hijacking Day	Hey kids, the wait is over. Happy Hijacking Day!!! Did your parents remember to buy you candy covered airplanes and chocolate covered turbans? If not you can always report them. Washington cares about your happiness kids, even if your mean old parents don't. I bet you can't wait to go bobbing for hand grenades and play pin the penis on the Mullah! It's about time we got Monday off so we can buy Hallmark cards and go to the beach, maybe Atlantic City or even Vegas!!! Chicks in burqas are hot!!! Here's a riddle for you! How many heroic firefighters did it take to die in the basement while trying to rip off the ATM machines? Oh, I'm sorry. You think this is offensive? Why be so cynical about holidays? Actually, all our holidays, other than the Hallmark ones, celebrate something gruesome and horrible. July 4th commemorates a war by simulating bombs bursting in air, not normally a happy sight (look kids! Imminent death!!!). Memorial Day commemorates all wars by going to the beach, better I guess but horribly oblivious. Thanksgiving whitewashes genocide and Easter has replaced the murder of our alleged savior with the Easter Bunny and colored eggs (can I say "colored"?). Christ was probably born in October sometime? Nevermind. We may be celebrating his truth and goodness but let's lie about his birthday anyway and move it to the solstice so we can draw people away from the matriarchal pagan religions that were there before us and into our new marketing toy. We need a cute animal that has nothing to do with anything like the Easter Bunny. How about the ostrich?
Really, REALLY offensive "humor"	So this dirty little fucking Jew walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the dirty little fucking Jew what he wants so the dirty little fucking Jew asks for a beer and the bartender pulls out a can of Raid and starts spraying it in the dirty little fucking Jew's face. The dirty little fucking Jew just stands there while the bartender keeps spraying and spraying more Raid into the dirty little fucking Jew's face. Actually the dirty little fucking Jew doesn't just stand there it immediately falls to it's dirty little fucking Jew knees and starts screaming in pain and writhing in agony as the bartender completely empties the can in Raid in the dirty little fucking Jew's face. Then some drunk pukes on the corpse. Isn't that hilarious? I forget who told me that one. It's a long one so I hope I told it right. The punch line just kills me though the whole joke is good. Plus, in case you didn't notice, I got to subtlely sneak in the phrase "dirty little fucking Jew", more than once actually. I bet you didn't even notice it so go back and read it again, three times if you have to but I promise you it's in there. Cheers!